Man’s youth is a wonderful thing: it is so full of anguish and of magic and he never comes to know it as it is, until it has gone from him for ever. It is the thing he cannot bear to lose, it is the thing whose passing he watches with infinite sorrow and regret, it is the thing whose loss he must lament for ever, and it is the thing whose loss he really welcomes with a sad and secret joy, the thing he would never willingly relive again, could it be restored to him by any magic.
Why is this? The reason is that the strange and bitter miracle of life is nowhere else so evident as in our youth. And what is the essence of that strange and bitter miracle of life which we feel so poignantly, so unutterably, with such a bitter pain and joy, when we are young? It is this: that being rich, we are so poor; that being mighty, we can yet have nothing, that seeing, breathing, smelling, tasting all around us the impossible wealth and glory of this earth, feeling with an intolerable certitude that the whole structure of the enchanted life — the most fortunate, wealthy, good, and happy life that any man has ever known — is ours — is ours at once, immediately and for ever, the moment that we choose to take a step, or stretch a hand, or say a word — we yet know that we can really keep, hold, take, and possess for ever — nothing. All passes; nothing lasts: the moment that we put our hand upon it it melts away like smoke, is gone for ever, and the snake is eating at our heart again; we see then what we are and what our lives must come to.
A young man is so strong, so mad, so certain, and so lost. He has everything and he is able to use nothing. He hurls the great shoulder of his strength for ever against phantasmal barriers, he is a wave whose power explodes in lost mid-oceans under timeless skies, he reaches out to grip a fume of painted smoke; he wants all, feels the thirst and power for everything, and finally gets nothing. In the end, he is destroyed by his own strength, devoured by his own hunger, impoverished by his own wealth. Thoughtless of money or the accumulation of material possessions, he is none the less defeated in the end by his own greed — a greed that makes the avarice of King Midas seem paltry by comparison.
And that is the reason why, when youth is gone, every man will look back upon that period of his life with infinite sorrow and regret. It is the bitter sorrow and regret of a man who knows that once he had a great talent and wasted it, of a man who knows that once he had a great treasure and got nothing from it, of a man who knows that he had strength enough for everything and never used it.
All youth is bound to be “misspent”; there is something in its very nature that makes it so, and that is why all men regret it. And that regret becomes more poignant as the knowledge comes to us that this great waste of youth was utterly unnecessary, as we discover, with a bitter irony of mirth, that youth is something which only young men have, and which only old men know how to use. And for that reason, in later years, we all look back upon our youth with sorrow and regret — seeing what a wealth was ours if we had used it — remembering Weisberg, Snodgrass, and O’Hare — finally remembering with tenderness and joy the good bleak visage of the pavement cipher who was the first friend we ever knew in the great city — in whose grey face its million strange and secret mysteries were all compact — and who was our friend, our brother, and this earth’s nameless man. And so Eugene recalled Abraham Jones.
This ugly, good, and loyal creature had almost forgotten his real name: the “Jones,” of course, was one of those random acquisitions which, bestowed in some blind, dateless moment of the past, evoked a picture of those nameless hordes of driven and frightened people who had poured into this country within the last half-century, and whose whole lives had been determined for them by the turn of a word, the bend of a street, the drift of the crowd, or a surly and infuriated gesture by some ignorant tyrant of an official. In such a way, Abe Jones’s father, a Polish Jew, without a word of Yankee English in his throat, had come to Castle Garden forty years before and, stunned and frightened by the moment’s assault of some furious little swine of a customs inspector, had stood dumbly while the man snarled and menaced him: “What’s yer name? . . . Huh? . . . Don’t yuh know what yer name is? . . . Huh? . . . Ain’t yuh got a name? . . . Huh?” To all this the poor Jew had no answer but a stare of stupefaction and terror: at length a kind of frenzy seized him — a torrent of Polish, Jewish, Yiddish speech poured from his mouth, but never a word his snarling inquisitor could understand. The Jew begged, swore, wept, pleaded, prayed, entreated — a thousand tales of horror, brutal violence and tyranny swept through his terror-stricken mind, the whole vast obscene chronicle of immigration gleaned from the mouths of returned adventurers or from the letters of those who had triumphantly passed the gates of wrath: he showed his papers, he clasped his hands, he swore by all the oaths he knew that all was as it should be, that he had done all he had been told to do, that there was no trick or fraud or cheat in anything he did or said, and all the time, the foul, swollen, snarling face kept thrusting at him with the same maddening and indecipherable curse: “Yer name! . . . Yer name! . . . Fer Christ’s sake don’t yuh know yer own name? . . . All right!” he shouted suddenly, furiously, “If yuh ain’t got a name I’ll give yuh one! . . . If yuh ain’t got sense enough to tell me what yer own name is, I’ll find one for yuh!” The snarling face came closer: “Yer name’s Jones! See! J-o-n-e-s. Jones! That’s a good Amurrican name. See? I’m giving yuh a good honest Amurrican name that a lot of good decent Amurricans have got. Yuh’ve gotta try to live up to it and desoive it! See? Yer in Amurrica now, Jones. . . . See? . . . Yuh’ve gotta t’ink fer yerself, Jones. In Amurrica we know our own name. We’ve been trained to t’ink fer ourselves over here! . . . See? Yer not one of them foreign dummies any more! . . . Yer Jones — Jones — Jones!” he yelled. “See!”— and in such a way, on the impulsion of brutal authority and idiotic chance, Abe’s father had been given his new name. Eugene did not know what Abe’s real name was: Abe had told him once, and he remembered it as something pleasant, musical, and alien to our tongue, difficult for our mouths to shape and utter.
Already, when he had first met Abe Jones in the first class he taught, the process of mutation had carried so far that he was trying to rid himself of the accursed “Abraham,” reducing it to an ambiguous initial, and signing his papers with a simple unrevealing “A. Jones,” as whales are said to have lost through atrophy the use of legs with which they once walked across the land, but still to carry upon their bodies the rudimentary stump. Now, in the last year, he had dared to make a final transformation, shocking, comical, pitifully clumsy in its effort at concealment and deception: when Eugene had tried to find his name and number in the telephone directory a month before, among the great grey regiment of Joneses, the familiar, quaint, and homely “Abe” had disappeared — at length he found him coyly sheltered under the gentlemanly obscurity of A. Alfred Jones. The transformation, thus, had been complete: he was now, in name at any rate, a member of the great Gentile aristocracy of Jones; and just as “Jones” had been thrust by violence upon his father, so had Abe taken violently, by theft and rape, the “Alfred.” There was something mad and appalling in the bravado, the effrontery, and the absurdity of the attempt: what did he hope to do with such a name? What reward did he expect to win? Was he engaged in some vast conspiracy in which all depended on the SOUND and not the APPEARANCE of deception? Was he using the mails in some scheme to swindle or defraud? Was he carrying on by correspondence an impassioned courtship of some ancient Christian maiden with one tooth and a million shining dollars? Or was it part of a gigantic satire on Gentile genteelness, country-club Christianity, a bawdy joke perpetrated at the expense of sixty thousand anguished and protesting Social Registerites? That he should hope actually to palm himself off as a Gentile was unthinkable, because one look at him revealed instantly the whole story of his race and origin: if all the Polish–Russian Jews that ever swarmed along the ghettoes of the earth had been compacted in a single frame the physical result might have been something amazingly like Eugene’s friend, Abraham Jones.
The whole flag and banner of his race was in the enormous putty-coloured nose that bulged, flared and sprouted with the disproportionate extravagance of a caricature or a dill-pickle over his pale, slightly freckled and rather meagre face; he had a wide, thin, somewhat cruel-looking mouth, dull weak eyes that stared, blinked, and grew misty with a murky, somewhat slimily ropy feeling behind his spectacles, a low, dull, and slanting forehead, almost reptilian in its ugliness, that sloped painfully back an inch or two into the fringes of unpleasantly greasy curls and coils of dark, short, screwy hair. He was about the middle height, and neither thin nor fat: his figure was rather big-boned and angular, and yet it gave an impression of meagreness, spareness, and somewhat tallowy toughness which so many city people have, as if their ten thousand days and nights upon the rootless pavement had dried all juice and succulence out of them, as if asphalt and brick and steel had got into the conduits of their blood and spirit, leaving them with a quality that is tough, dry, meagre, tallowy, and somewhat calloused.
What earth had nourished him? Had he been born and grown there among the asphalt lilies and the pavement wheat? What corn was growing from the cobble-stones? Or was there never a cry of earth up through the beaten and unyielding cement of the streets? Had he forgotten the immortal and attentive earth still waiting at the roots of steel?
No. Beneath that cone of neat grey felt, behind the dreary, tallowed pigment of his face, which had that thickened, stunned, and deadened look one often sees upon the faces of old bruisers, as if the violent and furious assault of stone and steel, the million harsh metallic clangours, the brutal stupefaction of the streets, at length had dried the flesh and thickened the skin, and blunted, numbed and calloused the aching tumult of the tortured and tormented senses — there still flowed blood as red and wet as any which ever swarmed into the earth below the laurel bush. He was a part, a drop, an indecipherable fraction of these grey tides of swarming tissue that passed in ceaseless weft and counter-weft upon the beaten pavements, at once a typical man-swarm atom and a living man. Indistinguishable in his speech, gait, dress, and tallowy pigmentation from the typical cell-and-pavement article, at the same time, although ugly, meagre, toughened, gnarled and half-articulate, angular as brick and spare as steel webbing, with little juice and succulence, he was honest, loyal, somehow good and memorable, grained with the life and movement of a thousand streets, seasoned and alert, a living character, a city man. In that horrible desperation of drowning and atomic desolation among the numberless hordes that swept along the rootless pavements, in Eugene’s madness to know, own, intrude behind the million barriers of brick, to root and entrench himself in the hive, he seized upon that dreary, grey and hopeless-looking Jew.
This was his history:
Abraham Jones was one of the youngest members of a large family. In addition to two brothers, younger than himself, there were three older brothers and two sisters. The family life was close, complex, and passionate, torn by fierce dislikes and dissensions, menaced by division among some of its members, held together by equally fierce loyalties and loves among the others. Abe disliked his father and hated one of his older brothers. He loved one of his sisters and was attached to the other one by a kind of loyalty of silence.
She, Sylvia, was a woman of perhaps thirty-five years when Eugene first saw her; she had not lived at home for ten years, she was a febrile, nervous, emaciated, highly enamelled city woman — a lover of what was glittering and electric in life, caught up in the surge of a furious and feverish life, and yet not content with it, dissonant, irritable and impatient. Like the rest of her family she had been forced to shift for herself since childhood: she had been first a salesgirl, then a worker in a millinery shop, and now, through her own cleverness, smartness, and ability, she had achieved a very considerable success in business. She ran a hat shop on Second Avenue, which Abe told him was the Broadway of the lower East Side: she had a small, elegant, glittering jewel of a shop there, blazing with hard electric light and smartly and tastefully dressed with windows filled with a hundred jaunty styles in women’s hats. She did a thriving business and employed several assistants.
The first time Eugene met her, one day when Abe had taken him home to the flat where he lived with his mother, two of his brothers, and Sylvia’s child, he thought she had the look and quality of an actress much more than of a business woman. There was a remarkably electric glitter and unnaturalness about her: it seemed as if the only light that had ever shone upon her had been electric light, the only air she could breathe with any certitude and joy the clamorous and electric air of Broadway. Her face belonged, indeed, among those swarms of livid, glittering, night-time faces that pour along the street, with that mysterious fraternity of night-time people who all seem to speak a common language and to be bound together by some central interest and communication, who live mysteriously and gaudily without discoverable employments, in a world remote and alien. Sylvia was a woman of middling height, but of a dark and almost bird-like emaciation: all the flesh seemed to have been starved, wasted, and consumed from her by this devil of feverish and electric unrest and discontent that glittered with almost a drugged brilliance in her large dark eyes. Every visible portion of her body — hair, eyebrows, lashes, lips, skin and nails — was greased, waved, leaded, rouged, plucked, polished, enamelled and varnished with the conventional extravagance of a ritualistic mask until now it seemed that all of the familiar qualities of living tissue had been consumed and were replaced by the painted image, the varnished mask of a face, designed in its unreality to catch, reflect, and realize effectively the thousand lurid shifting lights and weathers of an electric, nocturnal, and inhuman world. Moreover, she was dressed in the most extreme and sharpest exaggeration of the latest style, her thin long hands, which were unpleasantly and ominously veined with blue, and her fragile wrists, which were so thin and white that light made a pink transparency in them when she lifted them, were covered, loaded — one vast encrusted jewelled glitter of diamond rings and bracelets: a fortune in jewellery blazed heavily and shockingly on her bony little hands.
Her life had been hard, painful, difficult, full of work and sorrow. Ten years before, when she was twenty-five years old, she had had her first — and probably her last — love affair. She had fallen in love with an actor at the Settlement Guild — a little East Side theatre maintained by the donations of two rich ?sthetic females. She had left her family and become his mistress: within less than a year the man deserted her, leaving her pregnant.
Her child was a boy: she had no maternal feeling and her son, now nine years old, had been brought up by Abe’s mother and by Abe. Sylvia rarely saw her son: she had long ago deserted the orthodoxy of Jewish family life; she had a new, impatient, driving, feverish city life of her own, she visited her family every month or so, and it was then, and only then, that she saw her child. This boy, Jimmy, was a bright, quick, attractive youngster, with a tousled sheaf of taffy-coloured hair, and with the freckled, tough, puggish face and the cocky mutilated pavement argot and assurance of the city urchin: he was nevertheless excellently clothed, schooled, and cared for, for the old woman, Abe’s mother, watched and guarded over him with the jealous brooding apprehension of an ancient hen, and Sylvia herself was most generous in her expenditures and benefactions, not only for the child, but also for the family.
The relation between Sylvia and her illegitimate child Jimmy was remarkable. He never called her “mother”; in fact, neither seemed to have a name for the other, save an impersonal and rather awkward “You.” Moreover, the attitude of both mother and child was marked by a quality that was hard, knowing, and cynical in its conversation: when she spoke to him her tone and manner were as cold and impersonal as if the child had been a stranger or some chance acquaintance, and this manner was also touched by a quality that was resigned and somewhat mocking — with a mockery which seemed to be directed toward herself more than toward anyone, as if in the physical presence of the boy she saw the visible proof and living evidence of her folly, the bitter fruit of the days of innocence, love, and guileless belief, and as if she was conscious that a joke had been played on both her and her child. And the boy seemed to understand and accept this feeling with a sharp correspondence of feeling, almost incredible in a child. And yet they did not hate each other: their conversations were cynically wise and impersonal and yet curiously honest and respectful. She would look at him for a moment with an air of cold and casual detachment, and that faint smile of mockery when, on one of her visits home, he would come in, panting and dishevelled, a tough and impish urchin, from the street.
“Come here, you,” she would say at length, quietly, harshly. “Whatcha been doin’ to yourself?” she would ask, in the same hard tone, as deftly she straightened and reknotted his tie, smoothed out his rumpled sheaf of oaken-coloured hair. “You look as if yuh just crawled out of someone’s ash-can.”
“Ah!” he said in his tough, high city-urchin’s voice, “a coupla guys tried to get wise wit’ me an’ I socked one of ’em. Dat’s all!”
“Oh-ho-ho-ho!”— Abe turned his grey grinning face prayerfully to heaven and laughed softly, painfully............