A conversation with Mr. Merton on Society. Mr. and Mrs. James, ofSutton, come up. A miserable evening at the Tank Theatre. Experimentswith enamel paint. I make another good joke; but Gowing andCummings are unnecessarily offended. I paint the bath red, withunexpected result.
April 19. - Cummings called, bringing with him his friend Merton,who is in the wine trade. Gowing also called. Mr. Merton madehimself at home at once, and Carrie and I were both struck with himimmediately, and thoroughly approved of his sentiments.
He leaned back in his chair and said: "You must take me as I am;"and I replied: "Yes - and you must take us as we are. We're homelypeople, we are not swells."He answered: "No, I can see that," and Gowing roared with laughter;but Merton in a most gentlemanly manner said to Gowing: "I don't thinkyou quite understand me. I intended to convey that our charming hostand hostess were superior to the follies of fashion, and preferred leading asimple and wholesome life to gadding about to twopenny-halfpenny tea-drinking afternoons, and living above their incomes."I was immensely pleased with these sensible remarks of Merton's, andconcluded that subject by saying: "No, candidly, Mr. Merton, we don'tgo into Society, because we do not care for it; and what with the expenseof cabs here and cabs there, and white gloves and white ties, etc., it doesn'tseem worth the money."Merton said in reference to FRIENDS: "My motto is 'Few and True;'
and, by the way, I also apply that to wine, 'Little and Good.'" Gowing said:
"Yes, and sometimes 'cheap and tasty,' eh, old man?" Merton, stillcontinuing, said he should treat me as a friend, and put me down for adozen of his "Lockanbar" whisky, and as I was an old friend of Gowing, Ishould have it for 36s., which was considerably under what he paid for it.
He booked his own order, and further said that at any time I wanted any passes for the theatre I was to let him know, as his name stood goodfor any theatre in London.
April 20. - Carrie reminded me that as her old school friend, AnnieFullers (now Mrs. James), and her husband had come up from Sutton for afew days, it would look kind to take them to the theatre, and would I dropa line to Mr. Merton asking him for passes for four, either for the ItalianOpera, Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum. I wrote Merton to that effect.
April 21. - Got a reply from Merton, saying he was very busy, and justat present couldn't manage passes for the Italian Opera, Haymarket, Savoy,or Lyceum, but the best thing going on in London was the BROWNBUSHES, at the Tank Theatre, Islington, and enclosed seats for four; alsobill for whisky.
April 23. - Mr. and Mrs. James (Miss Fullers that was) came to meattea, and we left directly after for the Tank Theatre. We got a 'bus thattook us to King's Cross, and then changed into one that took us to the"Angel." Mr. James each time insisted on paying for all, saying that Ihad paid for the tickets and that was quite enough.
We arrived at theatre, where, curiously enough, all our 'bus-loadexcept an old woman with a basket seemed to be going in. I walkedahead and presented the tickets. The man looked at them, and called out:
"Mr. Willowly! do you know anything about these?" holding up my tickets.
The gentleman called to, came up and examined my tickets, and said:
"Who gave you these?" I said, rather indignantly: "Mr. Merton, ofcourse." He said: "Merton? Who's he?" I answered, rather sharply:
"You ought to know, his name's good at any theatre in London." Hereplied: "Oh! is it? Well, it ain't no good here. These tickets, which arenot dated, were issued under Mr. Swinstead's management, which hassince changed hands." While I was having some very unpleasant wordswith the man, James, who had gone upstairs with the ladies, called out:
"Come on!" I went up after them, and a very civil attendant said: "Thisway, please, box H." I said to James: "Why, how on earth did youmanage it?" and to my horror he replied: "Why, paid for it of course."This was humiliating enough, and I could scarcely follow the play, butI was doomed to still further humiliation. I was leaning out of the box, when my tie - a little black bow which fastened on to the stud by means ofa new patent - fell into the pit below. A clumsy man not noticing it, hadhis foot on it for ever so long before he discovered it. He then picked itup and eventually flung it under the next seat in disgust. What with thebox incident and the tie, I felt quite miserable. Mr. James, of Sutton, wasvery good. He said: "Don't worry - no one will notice it with yourbeard. That is the only advantage of growing one that I can see." Therewas no occasion for that remark, for Carrie is very proud of my beard.
To hide the absence of the tie I had to keep my chin down the rest ofthe evening, which caused a pain at the back of my neck.
April 24. - Could scarcely sleep a wink through thinking of havingbrought up Mr. and Mrs. James from the country to go to the theatre lastnight, and his having paid for a private box because our order was nothonoured, and such a poor play too. I wrote a very satirical letter toMerton, the wine merchant, who gave us the pass, and said, "Consideringwe had to pay for our seats, we did our best to appreciate theperformance." I thought this line rather cutting, and I asked Carrie howmany p's there were in appreciate, and she said, "One." After I sent offthe letter I looked at the dictionary and found there were two. Awfullyvexed at this.
Decided not to worry myself any more about the James's; for, as Carriewisely said, "We'll make it all right with them by asking them up fromSutton one evening next week to play at Bezique."April 25. - In consequence of Brickwell telling me his wife wasworking wonders with the new Pinkford's enamel paint, I determined totry it. I bought two tins of red on my way home. I hastened through tea,went into the garden and painted some flower-pots. I called out Carrie,who said: "You've always got some newfangled craze;" but she wasobliged to admit that the flower-pots looked remarkably well. Wentupstairs into the servant's bedroom and painted her washstand, towel-horse,and chest of drawers. To my mind it was an extraordinary improvement,but as an example of the ignorance of the lower classes in the matter oftaste, our servant, Sarah, on seeing them, evinced no sign of pleasure, butmerely said "she thought they looked very well as they was before." April 26. - Got some more red enamel paint (red, to my mind, beingthe best colour), and painted the coal-scuttle, and the backs of ourSHAKSPEARE, the binding of which had almost worn out.
April 27. - Painted the bath red, and was delighted with the result.
Sorry to say Carrie was not, in fact we had a few words about it. Shesaid I ought to have consulted her, and she had never heard of such a thingas a bath being painted red. I replied: "It's merely a matter of taste."Fortunately, further argument on the subject was stopped by a voicesaying, "May I come in?" It was only Cummings, who said, "Your maidopened the door, and asked me to excuse her showing me in, as she waswringing out some socks." I was delighted to see him, and suggested weshould have a game of whist with a dummy, and by way of merriment said:
"You can be the dummy." Cummings (I thought rather ill-naturedly)replied: "Funny as usual." He said he couldn't stop, he only called toleave me the BICYCLE NEWS, as he had done with it.
Another ring at the bell; it was Gowing, who said he "must apologisefor coming so often, and that one of these days we must come round toHIM." I said: "A very extraordinary thing has struck me.""Something funny, as usual," said Cummings. "Yes," I replied; "I thinkeven you will say so this time. It's concerning you both; for doesn't itseem odd that Gowing's always coming and Cummings' always going?"Carrie, who had evidently quite forgotten about the bath, went into fits oflaughter, and as for myself, I fairly doubled up in my chair, till it crackedbeneath me. I think this was one of the best jokes I have ever made.
Then imagine my astonishment on perceiving both Cummings andGowing perfectly silent, and without a smile on their faces. After ratheran unpleasant pause, Cummings, who had opened a cigar-case, closed itup again and said: "Yes - I think, after that, I SHALL be going, and I amsorry I fail to see the fun of your jokes." Gowing said he didn't mind ajoke when it wasn't rude, but a pun on a name, to his thinking, wascertainly a little wanting in good taste. Cummings followed it up bysaying, if it had been said by anyone else but myself, he shouldn't haveentered the house again. This rather unpleasantly terminated what mighthave been a cheerful evening. However, it was as well they went, for the charwoman had finished up the remains of the cold pork.
April 28. - At the office, the new and very young clerk Pitt, who wasvery impudent to me a week or so ago, was late again. I told him itwould be my duty to inform Mr. Perkupp, the principal. To my surprise,Pitt apologised most humbly and in a most gentlemanly fashion. I wasunfeignedly pleased to notice this improvement in his manner towards me,and told him I would look over his unpunctuality. Passing down theroom an hour later. I received a smart smack in the face from a rolled-upball of hard foolscap. I turned round sharply, but all the clerks wereapparently riveted to their work. I am not a rich man, but I would givehalf-a-sovereign to know whether that was thrown by accident or design.
Went home early and bought some more enamel paint - black this timeand spent the evening touching up the fender, picture-frames, and an oldpair of boots, making them look as good as new. Also painted Gowing'swalking-stick, which he left behind, and made it look like ebony.
April 29, Sunday. - Woke up with a fearful headache and strongsymptoms of a cold. Carrie, with a perversity which is just like her, saidit was "painter's colic," and was the result of my having spent the last fewdays with my nose over a paint-pot. I told her firmly that I knew a greatdeal better what was the matter with me than she did. I had got a chill,and decided to have a bath as hot as I could bear it. Bath ready - couldscarcely bear it so hot. I persevered, and got in; very hot, but veryacceptable. I lay still for some time.
On moving my hand above the surface of the water, I experienced thegreatest fright I ever received in the whole course of my life; for imaginemy horror on discovering my hand, as I thought, full of blood. My firstthought was that I had ruptured an artery, and was bleeding to death, andshould be discovered, later on, looking like a second Marat, as I rememberseeing him in Madame Tussaud's. My second thought was to ring thebell, but remembered there was no bell to ring. My third was, that therewas nothing but the enamel paint, which had dissolved with boiling water.
I stepped out of the bath, perfectly red all over, resembling the Red IndiansI have seen depicted at an East-End theatre. I determined not to say aword to Carrie, but to tell Farmerson to come on Monday and paint the bath white.