IN the preceding chapter reference was made to jealousy as a cause of sulkiness in children. Jealousy is itself a woeful handicap of childhood, and may be followed by disastrous consequences of many kinds. It has even been known to prompt children to acts as tragic as any committed by jealousy-driven adults. To cite a single instance: In a small country town there lived a family of three persons—father, mother, and young son. Comfortably circumstanced, the parents testified their affection for their only child by loving care and gifts innumerable. Their great aim in life seemed to be to bring joy and pleasure into his life. The boy, for his part, reciprocated their love, and,[100] though of a somewhat nervous temperament, was bright, vivacious, and amiable. There was nothing to mar the happiness of the family circle, which, to the delight of both parents, was one day enlarged by the addition of a little daughter.
They had taken it for granted that the coming of this baby sister would be equally pleasing to their boy, then nearly twelve years old. But his attitude towards her was indifferent, even cold; and, as time passed, he showed a dislike for the child as inexplicable as it was disappointing to his father and mother. Also, his disposition gradually changed. He was no longer high-spirited, but became moody and depressed. He would sit by himself for hours, lost in mournful reverie. His parents, rightly suspecting that something was preying on his mind, tried to get his confidence. He put them off with evasive answers, or brusquely asserted that he was "all right."
The true explanation came to them in startling and gruesome fashion. Late one afternoon, his[101] father being absent from the house and his mother occupied downstairs, the boy made his way to the room, where his tiny sister was peacefully asleep in her crib. Only a short time passed before his mother's return upstairs, but in the interval the little one had been smothered to death by her jealous brother.
Such an instance of juvenile crime incited by the demon of jealousy is fortunately rare. But it by no means stands alone, and while the hand of reason usually restrains even jealous children, in no individual case is it possible to say with assurance that tragedy will not result if jealousy gets firm lodgment in the child's mind. If for this reason only, parents should regard with concern any repeated manifestations of jealousy, in no matter how mild and seemingly harmless a form. As a matter of fact, however, many parents are not in the least disturbed when their children give evidence of being jealous. Some parents seem to be positively pleased at signs of jealousy in their children, interpreting them as[102] proofs of the ardour of the children's love. One thoughtless mother put it thus:
"My little Jack is so fond of me that he cannot bear to see me show attention to any other child. It is really amusing how displeased he gets. He will push the other child away, climb into my lap, and almost smother me with kisses. If I persist in paying attention to somebody else, he will pout in the cutest way until I take him in my arms again."
It may, to be sure, be difficult at times to refrain from smiling at the absurd behaviour of jealous children. Just the same, jealousy is never a smiling matter and is always something which parents should try to root out without delay. The jealous child, if uncorrected, is all too likely to grow into a jealous adult, with tendencies which bring misery to himself, and which, if it becomes a question of sex-jealousy, may bring death to others. The parent who fails to attack jealousy when it first shows itself need not be surprised at any distortion of character or vagary of conduct that appears in later life. Jealousy, indeed,[103] may have strange and startling physical consequences. Here, for example, is a story from the experience of a veteran physician:
"I was once summoned to visit a lady who was represented as being very ill. On my arrival I was shown to the so-called sick-room, where three persons were present—an old lady, her daughter, and the daughter's husband. All of them seemed in good health. When I inquired which was my patient, there was silence for a moment. Then the daughter said:
"'I am the patient, and my complaint is jealousy. I am jealous of my husband, and if you do not give me something to relieve me I shall go out of my mind.'
"This, on the face of it, seemed preposterous. She was a tall, fair, beautiful woman of about thirty. The husband, on the contrary, was several years older, a short, swarthy, plain man. It seemed to me more reasonable to suppose that he might have cause to be jealous of his wife, rather than she of[104] him. But she persisted in her statement, and declared that she had good reason to feel jealous.
"The husband insisted he had done nothing to justify her jealousy. She reasserted he had. In the midst of an outburst, distressing to listen to, she fell into a queer fit. With rhythmic regularity, she went through various spasmodic convulsions. At one moment she would stand at full length, her body arched forward. The next instant she was in a sitting position, with her legs drawn up, her hands clutching her throat, and a guttural noise coming from her mouth. Then she would wildly throw her arms and legs around; after which she would rise to go through the same performance.
"It was necessary to give her a drug to quiet her. I learned that she had been subject to these attacks ever since she began to feel jealous of her husband. Inquiring more closely, I found that, quite without reason, she was specifically jealous of him in connection with a certain woman in the small town where he carried on his business. Thereupon I advised him,[105] for the sake of her health and his own peace of mind, to remove to another town. This having been done, her jealousy abated and the convulsive seizures ceased."
Of course, this mode of treatment—if treatment it should be called—gave no guarantee that the jealousy and the consequent convulsions would not recur under other circumstances. What the jealous wife really needed was psychical re-education to give her a saner philosophy of life, enabling her to get a better grip on her emotions, and, through this, to control better the workings of her nervous system. Here we touch on what is far and away the most important fact in the problem of jealousy—a fact unappreciated by too many parents, and, for that matter, likewise unappreciated by most writers on the pedagogy of childhood.
This fact is that jealousy, being always an evidence of uncontrollable emotionality, and itself serving still further to weaken emotional control, may, and often does, give rise to functional mental and[106] nervous troubles. These may appear during childhood, or their appearance may be postponed until adult life, as in the instance cited above. In either event, their underlying cause is always the same: failure to train the individual during early life to react with calmness, courage, and moderation to the stresses of existence.
In the case of a person of naturally phlegmatic nervous constitution, lack of such training does not do so much harm, for the reason that excessive emotional reactions are unlikely to occur, no matter what the provocation. But when there is any marked degree of sensitiveness in the nervous organisation—as there usually is in our land: Americans being conspicuously of the so-called nervous temperament—the need for training in emotional control becomes imperative. In the case of persons who have inherited any tendency to nervous ailments, persons burdened with what is technically known as a neuropathic diathesis, absence of this training may be disastrous.
[107]
Parents, accordingly, will make no mistake in regarding any persistent manifestation of jealousy in their children as—like sulkiness—a danger-signal of real urgency and as indicating a special need for careful upbringing. Also, they should not be surprised if jealousy begins to show itself at an extremely early age. Some instances are on record of its appearance before the end of the first year. The naturalist Darwin noted its presence in his son at the age of fifteen and a half months. Arnold L. Gesell, one of the few scientists to make any extended research of jealousy, found that "infants will variously hold out their arms, fret, whine, or burst into violent crying, cover their face with their hands, or sulk, when their mothers caress or hold another baby." From the end of the second year jealousy is much in evidence, and is most variously motivated.
Commonest of all, perhaps, is the jealousy occasioned by the advent of a little brother or sister, who is looked upon as a rival for the parents' affections.[108] Or jealousy may be felt against one of the parents, little boys being frequently jealous of their fathers, and little girls of their mothers. Seemingly, they are unable to tolerate the love their parents feel for each other and would monopolise the affection of the parent of whom they are fonder. Again, there may be jealousy, sometimes of a violent sort, with regard to material possessions. Greatly to the profit of toy-makers, innumerable children have broken their toys to pieces in jealous rage at another child having been allowed to play with them. So, too, there may be jealousy with regard to food. A child will often eat food of which he is not really desirous, rather than see another gain pleasure from it.
As the child grows older, other objects and situations cause in him the unpleasant reaction of jealousy. On this point—the shifting causes of jealousy, through later childhood into adolescence—I cannot do better than quote at some length the findings of Professor M. V. O'Shea, of the University of Wisconsin,[109] as given in his "Social Development and Education," a book of great value to parents and teachers:
"The jealous attitude is manifested most strikingly in children from the fifth year on, in situations where competitors seek to exalt themselves in the eyes of those who have favours to distribute, or where the deeds and virtues of rivals are extolled by outsiders. Let K. begin to describe in the family circle some courageous or faithful deed he has performed, or painful experience he has endured, or duties he has discharged, and C., his natural rival, will at once seek to minimise the importance of the particular act for which praise is sought, so that K. may not be too highly thought of. Then C. will endeavour to attract attention to his own worth by describing more meritorious deeds which he has himself performed. He cannot easily submit to the attempts of his rival to gain the admiration of the company before whom he wishes to exhibit himself. But it is different in situations where K. and C. are united[110] in their interests, in opposition to other groups. Then C. is glad to reinforce the testimony of K. regarding his valorous deeds; and the principle works in just the same way when C. is seeking for favour, and K. is the jealous witness or the faithful comrade.
"It must be impressed that jealousy is an attitude assumed only by individuals in those situations in which they are competing for the same favours. Two children may be intensely jealous in their own homes; but they may abandon this attitude absolutely when they go into the world and compete as a unit with other groups. Normally, the jealousies between members of a family tend to disappear in the measure that their interests broaden, and they form new connections in the world. That is to say, according as persons cease to be keen rivals, they tend either to become indifferent to the successes of one another, or they may even rejoice in the good fortune of each other, and lose no opportunity to celebrate one another's virtues and merits. This[111] latter stage is not reached, however, until rivalry, and so conflict, wholly ceases, and the contestants come to appreciate that their interests are mutual, and each can help himself best by extolling the other. This is frequently seen in adult life, especially in political and professional partnerships....
"As a general principle, the smaller the group of individuals who are in competition with one another, and the narrower the range of their interests, the more intense will be the jealous attitudes developed. As the group increases in membership and their interests and activities become more varied, particular competitors normally come to occupy a less and less important place in any one individual's attention. It is as though the energy which in a restricted situation finds an outlet in one channel, perhaps, is discharged through various channels when the circle of persons and the range of interests to be reacted upon are enlarged. It is probable that most strictly social attitudes become less pronounced, though they are likely to become more habitual,[112] according as the occasions which call them forth are multiplied.
"This principle has an interesting application to the child when he enters school. His new personal environment makes such demands upon his attention and energy, in order that he may take the first steps in adjustment thereto, that the jealous attitudes are not aroused for some time, though they are liable to appear as he begins to feel at home in the new group. The beginner is usually in the learning or adaptive attitude; he is never, at the outset, resentful towards individuals in the group who may secure greater attention than himself from the teacher or his associates. The novice in school seeks, above everything else, to win the favour of those who, for any reason, are prominent in the group. He does not normally oppose his personality to that of any one who stands well with the crowd, or who has the support of tradition in his particular expressions....
"As the child grows to feel at ease in adjustment to the situations presented in the school, he commences[113] to assume attitudes of disapproval, as well as approval, of the expressions of his associates, and even of the teacher. In due course—often by the fourth year in school, possibly earlier—he begins to manifest some feeling of jealousy towards those of his group who attain greater prominence in the work of the school than he does himself. However, according to the observations of the present writer, this feeling is not a dominant one at any period in the elementary school, except in the case of particular children who are displeased at any distinction in recitations or in conduct attained by their classmates.
"In the fourth grade of a certain elementary school of a Western city there are three backward boys who have been in this grade for two years, though they are bright enough in the things of the street. They are in a more or less hostile attitude towards all that goes on in the schoolroom, probably because they cannot succeed in it themselves, and so they would like to escape from it or destroy it. Now,[114] they make it unpleasant, so far as they are able, for all the boys in the grade who apply themselves to their tasks and get 'good marks.' On the playground these dullards 'pick on' the 'bright' boys; and in the school they ridicule them by 'snickering' at them, or 'making faces' at them, and so on, with the result that they deter some boys from doing their best in the schoolroom. These same three ill-adjusted boys will make fun of their mates who come to school 'dressed up in fine togs.' They are themselves attired in plain clothes suited to the rough experience of the street, and they resent the adoption of different styles by any of their associates. Further, they show jealous feeling towards boys who come from 'better' homes than their own, or from more 'aristocratic' parts of the city....
"It will not be necessary here to do more than to mention the chief incitement to jealousy after the beginning of the adolescent upheaval, and lasting well on into middle life. The testimony of autobiographers, as well as the observations of psychologists,[115] indicates that rivalry for sex favours gives rise to most of the jealous attitudes of the adolescent up until full maturity is reached. Often, no doubt, it is the main cause of the jealousies of some people throughout their lives; but, normally, other and more general interests become stronger and more vital as maturity is approached. But, from the age of fifteen or sixteen on to twenty-five, or beyond, the sex needs and interests are supreme, and the individual is sensitive to sex relations above all others. No pain is so keen at this time as that which arises from slight or indifference from persons of the opposite sex, and no experience will stir an individual so deeply as that which threatens to deprive him of the exclusive possession of the affections of the one he loves."
Whatever the cause, I repeat, parents should never delay in combating repeated manifestations of jealousy, in order to make sure of preventing possible acts of extreme violence, subtle distortions of character that may persist through life, and neurotic[116] maladies of gradual or rapid development. To bring home concretely to every parent who happens to read these lines the danger menacing his own jealous child in this last respect, I cannot do better than cite from real life a few instances of nervous trouble directly and demonstrably due to jealousy.
An eminent neurologist had for a patient a young girl whose illness took the form of frenzied, almost maniacal, outbreaks. It was necessary at times to control her forcibly, and the fear of her family was that she was on the highway to insanity, if she were not already insane. The neurologist noticed that she became most violent when her mother approached her bed. She would then cry out, strike at her mother, and wildly order her to leave the room. The mother was in despair at this behaviour, assuring the neurologist that she could not account for it, as she had always treated her daughter most affectionately—a statement which other relatives corroborated.
To get to the bottom of this mystifying case, the[117] neurologist determined to make use of what is known as the method of dream-analysis. This method has, as a fundamental principle, the theory that most dreams, especially the dreams of childhood, represent the imaginary fulfilment of wishes which cannot be, or have not been, realised in the waking life. In the present instance, the application of dream-analysis proved most helpful. It showed that, asleep no less than when awake, the girl's mind was occupied with ideas unfavourable to her mother, and was dominated by a wish that her mother were dead. This was indicated by a number of dreams, in some of which she saw herself and her sisters dressed in mourning, while in others she was attending the funeral of women who resembled her mother.
Quite evidently a mental conflict was in progress, the girl sufficiently appreciating the sinfulness of the death—wish to resist its full emergence into consciousness, even during sleep. But its presence and persistence, as revealed by the dreams, made it clear to the physician that he was dealing, not with actual[118] insanity, but with a case of hysteria motivated by jealousy of the mother. Further analysis disclosed an abnormal fondness for the father, in whose affections the little daughter wished to reign alone.
Sometimes the hysteria traceable to jealousy presents symptoms ingeniously calculated to compel sympathetic attention from the parent who otherwise would continue to divide his or her affections in a manner displeasing to the jealous child. Thus, a small boy became subject to attacks of severe bodily pain, which came on, usually, at night, and were relieved only when his mother took him to bed with her, sending his father to sleep in another room. In this case, and in similar cases that have been studied by medical specialists, it is not a question of conscious deceit. The pain or other hysterical symptom is wholly the result of the sentiment of jealousy having so worked on the mind of a neurotically predisposed child as to cause a subconscious fabrication of symptoms certain to gain loving care.
Likewise, some children, and particularly children[119] of an inferior mentality or those handicapped by physical defects responsible for a seeming or real neglect of them by parents and playmates, will, under the influence of jealousy, become so disturbed nervously as to indulge in eccentricities of conduct, having for their object the compelling of the attention they feel they have been denied. For example, jealousy often is at the root of the pathological lying of neurotic children, who, on occasion, do not hesitate to bring outrageous charges against innocent persons. Their purpose is not to injure these persons; they tell their morbid lies simply because they wish to become objects of interested and sympathetic attention. For the same reason, other jealousy-dominated children sometimes concoct elaborate deceptions, notably in the way of what are called "poltergeist" performances.
From time to time newspapers report stories of haunted houses, in which small articles of furniture and bric-à-brac are flung about by mischievous ghosts—hence the name "poltergeists"—that remain[120] invisible. When investigation is made, the "ghost" usually turns out to be a small boy or girl, who frequently is regarded as being merely a naughty child, and is punished accordingly. This is a mistake. It is not naughtiness, but hysteria. And, not infrequently, it is hysteria brought on by jealousy.[7]
President Hall, of Clark University, who has made a special study of children's lies, fittingly comments:
"Without knowing it, these hysterical girls feel disinherited and robbed of their birthright. Their bourgeoning woman's instinct to be the centre of interest and admiration bursts all bounds, and they speak and act out things which with others would be only secret reverie. Thus they can not only be appreciated but wondered at; can almost become priestesses, pythonesses, maenads, and set their mates, neighbours, or even great savants agog and agape, while they have their fling at life, reckless of consequences. Thus they can be of consequence,[121] respected, observed, envied, perhaps even studied. So they defy their fate and wreak their little souls upon experience with abandon and have their supreme satisfaction for a day, impelled to do so by blind instinct which their intellect is too undeveloped to restrain. And all this because their actual life is so dull and empty."[8]
Nor does the mischief done by jealousy in the case of nervously inclined children stop here. It is particularly important for parents to know that there may be a postponement of its evil effects. That is, though the jealous child, while a child, may not show more than a general nervousness and may seemingly outgrow his jealousy without ill effect, it is entirely possible that in later life mental or nervous troubles may appear as a result of the subconscious retention of the jealous notions that have long since vanished from conscious remembrance. I might cite a number of instances strikingly illustrative of this, but will be content with giving only one—the case of a man[122] about thirty years old, who did not dare go outdoors because he was obsessed by a fear that he would kill the first person he met in the street.
"My life," he told the physician whose aid he sought, "is one long torment. There are days when I have myself locked in my room, as I cannot venture on the street with the murderous longings that fill my mind. I spend much of my time planning alibis to escape the consequences of the murder I feel sure I shall commit. Is there any hope for me, short of imprisonment in an asylum for the dangerously insane?"
This man, as his answers to the specialist's questions made clear, was actually of a splendid character and highly cultured. His one peculiarity was this dangerous obsession. Psychological analysis to trace its origin was undertaken, and led back to his childhood. It had, as the setting giving it force and keeping it alive, a deep-seated jealousy of his father, experienced before the age of seven. More specifically, it originated in a murderous wish, entertained[123] one day when father and son were walking together, to push his father from a mountain-top into an abyss. The child had at once recognised that this wish was wicked. He had violently repressed it, had tried to forget it, and had seemingly succeeded in doing so. But in his neurotic subconsciousness it had remained alive, to incubate and grow, until it finally blossomed into the murderous and painfully persistent obsession against people in general.
Surely, it is worth while to watch for and eradicate jealousy in childhood. Surely, too, it is worth while to develop emotional control in your children while they still are very young, and to avoid giving reason for jealousy by showing a real neglect in satisfying their natural craving for sympathy and love. On the other hand, it is equally important to avoid being over-attentive to them. This, as brought out in detail in the second chapter, is the great danger to be feared when there is only one child in the family, the exuberance of the parental love filling the child[124] with exaggerated ideas of his own importance that are sure to be rudely jostled when he comes into contact with other children.
From these other children, as from his school teachers and casual visitors to his home, he will unconsciously demand the adulation shown by his parents. Failing to receive it, jealousy is all too apt to seize him, and, out of jealousy, nervous symptoms or character kinks are a probable result—symptoms and kinks which may, perhaps, never be entirely overcome.
What, then, is the moral of all this? What practical suggestions may be made that will help parents to cope with the problem of children's jealousy? For one thing, and most important, there must be no showing of favouritism, if you have more than one child. By your whole attitude towards your children you must make plain to them that each one ought to be, and is, equally dear to you. Of course, however, this does not mean that you should go to the foolish extreme of some parents, who carry the[125] principle of equality so far as to give identical presents to their children. This does not serve as a corrective and preventive of jealousy; rather, it simply panders to it, and is, at bottom, a confession of helplessness on the parents' part.
The real need is to give your children a home environment of such a character that the instinct of human sympathy will be highly developed in them. Jealousy has its roots in selfishness, in an over-development of what may be called the ego-centric instinct. The jealous child is pre-eminently a child unduly occupied with thoughts of self. His personal desires and his personal interests are of paramount importance to him, just because he has not been taught that the one truly self-satisfying ideal of life is to find joy in bringing joy to others. To be sure, he cannot be taught this by direct instruction when he is very small. But indirectly, through the subtle force of suggestion, he can be taught it even then, if he is given a good parental example.
His parents themselves, not merely to prevent the[126] budding of the sentiment of jealousy, but for the sake of the child's moral education in general, must set him an example of unselfishness. In their relations with each other, with their friends, with casual visitors to their home, they must maintain an altruistic, rather than an ego-centric, attitude. Showing true love for their child, they must—and this is especially necessary in the case of an only child—cause the child unconsciously to realise that he is not, and should not be, the sole object of their thoughts; that they have other interests, other duties in life. Unless he is constitutionally abnormal, a child brought up in such an atmosphere of general, self-forgetting kindliness is almost certain to acquire the same healthy philosophy of life that his parents have—a philosophy inimical to jealousy in every form.
As an aid to the same end, it is important to begin, at as early a time as possible, to train the child to occupy his mind actively with games and studies of educational significance. It is a fact which scarcely[127] needs demonstration that the child in whom love of study and interest in subjects of study are developed at an early age will be a child unlikely to become unhealthily occupied with thoughts of himself. He will have too many and too strong external interests to have either time or desire for morbid self-communing.
In fine, you may set this down as certain: the more you inspire in your children external interests in play and work, doing this partly by direct teaching and partly by setting them an example of industrious activity, the less reason you will have to fear that they will fall victims to the handicap of jealousy or to the nervous maladies resultant from any form of excessive preoccupation with thoughts of self.
If, however, despite your best efforts, your child does develop jealous characteristics in marked degree, the safest and wisest thing you can do is to take him at once to a good specialist in the treatment of mental and nervous troubles. It may be[128] that the jealousy is only the resultant of some unsuspected error of his upbringing, but it may also be symptomatic of some serious disorder requiring careful medical treatment.