Wee Winnie called at the Club, while the President was still under the cloud of depression, and Lillie had to force herself to look cheerful, lest Miss Nimrod should mistake the melancholy¹, engendered² by so many revelations of the seamy side of life, for loss of faith in the Club or its prospects³.  
Avid⁴ of experience as was the introspective little girl, she felt almost fated for the present.
 
Miss Nimrod was astonished to hear of the number of rejections⁵, and to learn that she had whipped up the Writers, and the Junior Widows, and her private friends to such little purpose. But in the end she agreed with Lillie that, as no doubt somewhere or other in the wide universe ideal Old Maids were blooming and breathing, it would be folly⁶ to clog⁷ themselves up in advance with inferior specimens⁸.
 
The millionaire, who was pottering about in blue spectacles, strolled into the club while Wee Winnie was uttering magnificent rhapsodies about the pages the Club would occupy in the histories of England, but this time Lillie was determined¹⁰ the dignity of the by-laws should be maintained, and had her father shown out by Turple the magnificent. Miss Nimrod went, too, and so Lord Silverdale had the pleasure of finding Lillie alone.
 
"You ought to present me with a pair of white gloves," he said, gleefully.
 
"Why?" asked Lillie.
 
"I haven't had a single candidate to try for days."
 
"No," said Lillie with a suspicion of weariness in her voice. "They all broke down in the elementary stage."
 
Even as she spoke¹¹ Turple the magnificent ushered¹² in Miss Margaret Linbridge. Lord Silverdale, doubly vexed¹³ at having been a little too previous in the counting of his chickens, took up his hat to go, but Lillie murmured: "Please amuse yourself in the library for a quarter of an hour, as I may want you to do the trying at once."
 
"How do you expect me to amuse myself in the library?" he grumbled¹⁴. "You don't keep one of my books."
 
Miss Margaret Linbridge's story was simple, almost commonplace.
 
"I had spent Christmas with a married sister in Plymouth," she said, "and was returning to London by the express on the first of January. My prospects for the New Year were bright—or seemed so to my then unsophisticated eyes. I was engaged to be married to Richard Westbourne—a good and good-looking young man, not devoid¹⁶ of pecuniary¹⁷ attractions. My brother, with whom I lived and on whom I was dependent, was a struggling young firework-manufacturer, and would, I knew, be glad to see me married, even if it cost him a portion of his stock to express his joy. The little seaside holiday had made me look my prettiest, and when my brother-in-law saw me into a first-class carriage and left me with a fraternally-legal kiss, I rather pitied him for having to go back to my sister. There was only one other person in the carriage beside myself—a stern old gentleman, who sat crumpled¹⁸ up in the opposite corner and read a paper steadily²⁰.
 
"The train flew along the white frosty landscape at express  rates, but the old gentleman never looked up from his paper. The temperature was chill and I coughed. The old gentleman evinced no symptom of sympathy. I rolled up my veil the better to see the curmudgeon²¹, and smiled to think what a fool he was, but he betrayed no sign of sharing my amusement.
 
"At last, as he was turning his page, I said in my most dulcet²² tones: 'Oh, pray excuse my appropriating the entire foot-warmer. I don't know why there is only one, but I will share it with you with pleasure.'
 
"'Thank you,' he said gruffly, 'I'm not cold.'
 
"'Oh, aren't you!' I murmured inwardly, adding aloud with a severe wintry tone, 'Gentlemen of your age usually are.'
 
"'Yes, but I'm not a gentleman of my age,' he growled²³, mistaking the imbecile statement for repartee²⁴.
 
"'I beg your pardon,' said I. 'I was judging by appearances. Is that the Saturday Slasher you have there?'
 
"He shook himself impatiently. 'No, it is not.'
 
"'I beg your pardon,' said I. 'I was again judging by appearances. May I ask what it is?'
 
"'Threepenny Bits!' he jerked back.
 
"'What's that?' I asked. 'I know Broken Bits.'
 
"'This is a superior edition of Broken Bits at the price indicated by the title. It contains the same matter, but is issued at a price adapted to the means of the moneyed and intellectual classes. No self-respecting person can be seen reading penny weeklies—it throws doubt not only on his income, but on his mental calibre. The idea of this first-class edition (so to speak) should make the fortune of the proprietor²⁵, and deservedly so. Of course, the thousand pound railway assurance scheme is likewise trebled, though this part of the paper does not attract me personally, for my next-of-kin¹⁵ is a hypocritical young rogue²⁶. But imagine the horror of being found dead with [pg 294] a penny weekly in one's pocket! You can't even explain it away.'
 
"He had hardly finished the sentence before a terrible shock, as of a ton of dynamite²⁷ exploding under the foot-warmer, lifted me into the air; the carriage collapsed²⁸ like matchwood, and I had the feeling of being thrown into the next world. For a moment I recovered a gleam of consciousness, just enough to show me I was lying dying amid the débris, and that my companion lay, already dead, in a fragment of the compartment²⁹, Threepenny Bits clenched³⁰ in his lifeless hand.
 
"With a last fond touch I smoothed my hair, which had got rather ruffled³¹ in the catastrophe³³, and extracting with infinite agony a puff³⁴ from my pocket I dabbed³⁵ it spasmodically over my face. I dared not consult my hand-mirror, I was afraid it would reveal a distorted countenance³⁶ and unnecessarily sadden my last moments. Whatever my appearance, I had done my best for it, and I wanted to die with the consciousness of duty fulfilled. Murmuring a prayer that those who found my body would not imitate me in judging by appearances, if they should prove discreditable after all, I closed my eyes upon the world in which I had been so young and happy. My whole life passed in review before me, all my dearly loved bonnets³⁸, my entire wardrobe from infancy³⁹ upwards⁴⁰. Now I was an innocent child with a white sash and pink ribbons, straying amid the sunny meadows and plucking the daisies to adorn⁴¹ my hats; anon a merry maiden⁴² sporting amid the jocund⁴³ schoolboys and receiving tribute in toffy; then again a sedate⁴⁴ virgin⁴⁵ in original gowns and tailor-made jackets. Suddenly a strange idea jostled through the throng⁴⁶ of bitter-sweet memories. Threepenny Bits!
 
"The old gentleman's next-of-kin would come in for three thousand pounds! I should die and leave nothing [pg 295] to my relatives but regrets; my generous brother would be forever inconsolable now, and my funeral might be mean and unworthy. And yet if the old misogynist⁴⁷ had only been courteous⁴⁸ enough to lend me the paper, seeing I had nothing to read, it might have been found on my body. De mortuis nil⁴⁹ nisi bonum. Why reveal his breach⁵⁰ of etiquette⁵¹ to the world? Why should I not enable him to achieve posthumous⁵² politeness! Besides, his heir was a hypocritical rogue, and it were a crime against society to place so large a sum at his disposal. Overwhelmed as I was by the agonies of death, I steeled myself to this last duty. I wriggled⁵³ painfully towards the corpse⁵⁴, and stretching out my neatly-gloved fingers, with a last mighty⁵⁵ effort I pulled the paper cautiously from the dead hand which  lay heavy upon it. Then I clasped it passionately⁵⁶ to my heart and died."
 
 
I pulled the paper from the dead hand.
 
"Died?" echoed Lillie excitedly.
 
"Well—lost consciousness. You are particular to a shade. Myself I see no difference between a fainting fit and death except that one attack of the latter is fatal."
 
"As to that," answered Lillie. "I consider we die every night and dream we are alive. To fall asleep is to die painlessly. It is, perhaps, a pity we are resurrected to tea and toast and toilette. However, I am glad you did not really die. I feared I was in for a tale of re-incarnation or spooks or hypnotism or telepathy or astral bodies. One hears so many marvellous stories, now that we have left off believing in miracles. Really, man's credulity is the perpetual miracle."
 
"I have not left off believing in miracles," replied Miss Linbridge seriously. "How could I? Was I not saved by one? A very gallant⁵⁷ miracle, too, for it took no trouble to save my crusty old fellow-traveller, while it left me without a scratch. I am afraid I should not have been grateful for salvation⁵⁸ without good looks. To face life without a pretty face were worse than death. You agree with me?"
 
"Not entirely⁵⁹. There are higher things in life than beautiful faces," said Lillie gravely.
 
"Certainly. Beautiful bonnets," said the candidate with laughing levity⁶⁰. "And lower things—beautiful boots. But you would not seriously argue that there is anything else so indispensable to a woman as beauty, or that to live plain is worth the trouble of living?"
 
"Why not? Plain living and high thinking!" murmured Lillie.
 
"All nonsense! We needn't pretend—we aren't with men. You would talk differently if you were born ugly! [pg 297] Goodness gracious, don't we know that a girl may have a whole cemetery⁶¹ of virtues⁶² and no man will look at her if she is devoid of charms of face or purse. It's all nonsense what Ruskin says about a well-bred modest girl being necessarily beautiful. It is only a pleasing fiction that morality is invaluable⁶³ to the complexion⁶⁴. Of course if Ruskin's girl chose to dress with care, she could express her goodness less plainly; but as a rule goodness and dowdiness⁶⁵ are synonymous. I think the function of a woman is to look well, and our severest reprobation⁶⁶ should be extended to those conscienceless creatures who allow themselves to be seen in the company of gentlemen in frumpish attire⁶⁷. It is a breach of etiquette towards the other sex. A woman must do credit to the man who stakes his reputation for good taste by being seen in her society. She must achieve beauty for his sake, and should no more leave her boudoir without it than if she were an actress leaving her dressing-room."
 
"That the man expects the woman to make his friends envy him is true," answered Lillie, "and I have myself expressed this in yonder epigram, It is man who is vain of woman's dress. But were we created merely to gratify man's vanity?"
 
"Is not that a place in nature to be vain of? We are certainly not proud of him. Think of the average husband over whom the woman has to shed the halo of her beauty. It is like poetry and prose bound together. It is because I intend to be permanently⁶⁸ beautiful that I have come to cast in my lot with the Old Maids' Club. Your rules ordain⁶⁹ it so—and rightly."
 
"The Club must be beautiful, certainly, but merely to escape being twitted with ugliness by the shallow; for the rest, it should disdain⁷⁰ beauty. However, pray continue your story. It left off at a most interesting point. You lost consciousness!"
"Yes, but as my chivalrous⁷¹ miracle had saved me from damage, I was found unconsciously beautiful (which I have always heard is the most graceful⁷² way of wearing your beauty). I soon came to myself with the aid of a dark-eyed doctor, and I then learnt that the old gentleman had been too weak to sustain the shock and that his poor old pulse had ceased to beat. My rescuers had not disturbed Threepenny Bits from its position 'twixt my hand and heart in case I should die and need it; so when the line was cleared and I was sent on to London after a pleasant lunch with the dark-eyed doctor, I had the journal to read after all, despite the discourtesy of the deceased. When I arrived at Paddington I found Richard Westbourne walking the platform like Hamlet's ghost, white and trembling. He was scanning the carriages feverishly⁷³, as the train glided⁷⁴ in with its habitual⁷⁵ nonchalance⁷⁶.
 
"'My darling!' he cried when he caught sight of my dainty hat with its sweet trimmings. 'Thank Heaven!' He twisted the door violently open and kissed me before the crowd. Fortunately I had my lovely spotted⁷⁷ veil all down, so he only pressed the tulle to my lips.
 
"'What is the matter?' I said ingenuously⁷⁸.
 
"'The accident!' he gasped⁷⁹. Weren't you in the accident?'
 
"'Of course I was. But I was not very much crumpled. If I had sat in the other corner I should have been killed!"
 
"'My heroine!' he cried. 'How brave of you!' He made as if he would rumple¹⁹ my hair but I drew back.
 
"'Were you waiting for me?' I asked.
 
"'Of course. Hours and hours. O the agony of it! See, here is the evening paper! It gives you as dead.'
 
"'Where?' I cried, nervously⁸⁰. His trembling forefinger⁸¹ pointed⁸² to the place. 'A beautiful young lady was also  extricated⁸³ in an unconscious condition from this carriage.'
 
"'Isn't it wonderful the news should be in London before me?' I murmured. 'But I suppose they will have names and fuller particulars in a later edition.'
 
"'Of course. But fancy my having to be in London, unable to get to you for love or money!'
 
"'Yes, it was very hard for me to be there all alone,' I murmured. 'But please run and see after my luggage, there are three portmanteaus and a little black one, and three bonnet³⁷ boxes, and two parasols, and call a hansom, oh—and a brown paper parcel, and a long narrow cardboard box—and get me the latest editions of the evening papers—and please see that the driver isn't drunk, and don't take a knock-kneed horse or one that paws the ground, you know those hansom doors fly open and shoot you out like rubbish—I do so hate them—and oh! Richard, don't forget those novels from Mudie's,—they're done up with a strap⁸⁴. Three bonnet boxes, remember, and all the evening papers, mind.'
 
"When we were

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